After a year and a half in Israel – I have a confession to make….
I can’t speak Hebrew.
It’s mortifying. Every time a visitor arrives, their first
words are ’How’s your Ivrit? You must be fluent by now’. And I stare at them.
And I try to decide.
Should I lie? Should I reply ,‘Pah! Of course I am. I mean,
only an IDIOT wouldn’t be able to speak Hebrew after A YEAR AND A HALF in
Israel. Ho ho ho’. Or do I own up to the truth - that actually - I AM that
idiot, and that, no, I’m not bloody fluent. I can just about say my name.
It’s a dilemma. I mean, they’re not going to test me, are
they. I can order a coffee in the coffee
shop, and maybe a cake, and they’ll be none the wiser. I’m excellent at the ‘todah’
and ‘bevukasha’, and if a shop assistant asks me a question, I usually answer with
- ‘ken’. It seems to work for the most part, but has got me into trouble a few
times. I’ve ended up having to buy special offer items at the till that I
really didn’t want. But it was too late to back out at that stage (and the half
price hemorrhoid cream has actually come in rather useful).
But I’m likely to get caught out at some point. What if my
guests need actual help with
something? I could pretend I’m
speaking Hebrew – again – they're not going to know any different – it all
sounds vaguely plausible if you get the spitting in the right places - but,
it’s a risk. What if they hurt themselves whilst here and it’s up to me to save
their life? I don’t know how to say ‘Quick, this lady needs a Thoracic Aortic
Dissection Repair. NOW’, in Hebrew. It’s a worry.
I’ve tried. I really have. I went to Ulpan every day for 5
months. I hardly missed a lesson. When my car broke down and I had no way of
getting there – I walked. Yes, walked. Those of you who know me will realise
what a huge deal that is. I’m not a big
one for walking. It’s not my thing. I
have been known to drive to my neighbour, two houses down.
I did all my homework. Studiously. I only used Google Translate when it was absolutely necessary – mostly at midnight, when I’d spent
too much time catching up on Greys Anatomy.
I can tell you where I live (B Ra’ananna), and I can recite
my telephone number and Identity Number with ease. With only a few pauses in
the middle. Whilst my brain catches up. But anything else, I’m stuck.
I still try. Every day. I prepare what I want to say…I
practice in my head a few times…I reach the shop assistant… I look them
directly in the eye and state confidently what I require with a defiant nod of
the head for emphasis. I’m euphoric. I’ve done it. I’ve conversed with an Israeli.
I Am Fluent.
But they look at me sadly and reply in a perfect North West
London Twang ‘Sorry love, couldn’t make out what you were saying. What was it
you wanted? Hemorrhoid cream?’
Love it, Jo.
ReplyDeleteHilarious, super writing - wish we lived two doors away, you could drive round and hayiti medaberet Ivrit itach, le'at le'at הייתי מדברת עברית איתך לאט לאט I would speak Hebrew with you very slowly- that's what you need, someone to speak Hebrew with you slowly. Am sending you idea on PM Facebook.
ReplyDeleteLOL!
ReplyDeleteI think you're being a little hard on yourself. You've only been here a year and a half, and this is after a lifetime of speaking only English. Being able to read Hebrew is one thing, but fluency in speaking comes from being in a situation where you have no other choice but to speak Hebrew, and no, I don't mean Ulpan. It's practice, that's all, and it will come easier as you find yourself (or put yourself) in all-Hebe speaking circumstances more and more often. Not that you should necessarily throw yourself in the deep end or anything, but it will likely happen naturally.
Plus -- Ra'anana is a very English-friendly location, and it's easy not to have to speak Hebe, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Why shouldn't you feel comfortable conversing on whatever subject is at hand -- be it medical, retail or whatever?
Give it time. You're doing great. And "bevakasha" and "todah" cannot be said often enough in my opinion, so kudos on you for that. :-)
Being here and living here is the most important thing. Language is just a bonus.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up.
You're a hoot. I didn't even know how to say Thoracic Aortic Dissection Repair in English let alone Hebrew xxx
ReplyDeleteBrilliant! I know people that have been here for decades and still don't speak Hebrew! Don't put too much pressure on yourself, just take it day by day, watch Israeli TV, comedy is the best to understand in my opinion. It will come, if you work at it, and one day you will have a full Israeli argument with someone in Hebrew, that's when you'll know you've done it!!!
ReplyDeleteVerbal communication is overrated. We're very lucky to have you in Raanana - a bit low on comedy here. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteGam Ani.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWe can practice together. Hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhaha
ReplyDelete11 years. People think I am being modest when I say I am not fluent. Hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhaha
Finally realized most people have nothing interesting to say anyway.
Carry on.