A few weeks
seem to have passed since I last wrote. I have obviously been exceptionally
busy. I have knitted a few blankets, taken up online tambourine lessons and am
now learning sign language in Cantonese. Obviously, I don’t want to make anyone
feel bad if you haven’t done any of those things, but, well, I can’t sit around
doing nothing! Just SO not my style. I mean – how much Netflix can you watch?
And yet we
still seem to be in Lockdown. So, I thought I’d break into my hectic Zoom
schedule to bring things up to date. My main problem has been that chocolate
and ice cream consumption has escalated so quickly that I can no longer fit
into one of those tiny Zoom squares. Why do they make them so small?
I have also
attended several Zoom events, including a beautiful baby naming ceremony. It
was really lovely, but the food was disappointing. By the time I arrived, there
were no smoked salmon bagels left.
So how are
the Sugarpuff clan faring?
Eldest Daughter
has been particularly scary during these challenging times. In previous blog
posts, I referred to her as Teenage Daughter but since she is now in her
twenties, this won’t work. I am too scared to call her anything that might
trigger pretty much any response at all, so I think I will play it safe and call
her Eldest Daughter.
Prior to
Lockdown we were forcing encouraging her to move out and get her own
flat. We just missed the boat timing wise, which means we are devastated
thrilled to be experiencing this family time with her.
In order to
cope we have devised some special Eldest Daughter rules.
1. Do not look her
directly in the eye. At. Any. Time. Looking her in the eye is likely to be met
with a look of disgust and a cry of ‘Why are you looking at me? LEAVE ME ALONE.’
2. Do not ask her
if she wants a drink of any kind. The answer is likely to be ‘Why would you ask
me that? Is there something wrong with you?’
3. Do not attempt
to make any sort of conversation with her. She is not there for you to speak to.
She speaks when required. You have been warned.
4. Do not offer
any food unless it is kale, wakame seaweed or kombucha. This must be ordered
from the most expensive health food shop in Tel Aviv and not the one two
seconds round the corner or it ‘won’t taste the same.'
5. When you do
Eldest Daughter’s laundry, try not to lose or shrink any items. If any items go
missing or change shape or colour, (which happens a lot in this house), Armageddon
will ensue. Be prepared to be informed through a loudspeaker that ‘BRANDY
MELVILLE TOPS ARE IRREPLACEABLE.’
6. Suffer in
silence whilst frantically searching other house members drawers and cupboards
for 64 hours as there is ‘NO WAY’ any of the lost items are in her room. Listen
to more calls from the wild including ‘Why do you even DO the washing?’ and ‘I
can’t live without my Zara beach sarong,’ and then smile sweetly when informed that
everything has been found – in her room.
Soldier Son
is on base in the army and has been for a while. Obviously, I try to have daily
contact. Not to find out how he is, but to establish how much of my UK
confectionary Dairy Milk stash he has left. You see, I made a Big Mistake, in a
moment of madness, and shared some with him pre-Lockdown for him to take back to
his base. You have to understand, supplies were plentiful, and UK friends were
on standby to bring out new supplies when needed. It was different times back
then.
As a result,
our conversations now revolve around which items he still has (photographic
evidence is required), and telling him that is CATEGORICALLY NOT OK to share
any of his chocolate with any of the lone soldiers that have come from overseas
to risk their lives to protect Israel. Why should they have any? Bloody cheek.
It turns
out that Youngest Son is causing me the most anxiety.
With Soldier
Son out the house and Eldest Daughter and Tidy Husband only eating kimchi and
fruit-based sausages, Youngest Son is my strongest rival for the foods I like
to eat. Unfortunately, (for me), we have the same food preferences, Ben &
Jerry’s, pizza, and Dairy Milk.
We don’t
see each other at the moment - my waking hours are 8am to 8pm whilst he wakes
up at 8pm and goes to bed at 5am. I am therefore reliant upon WhatsApp communications
to negotiate food deals and ensure there is still ample supply of above food items left for me.
Negotiations begin with me telling him there is absolutely no Ben & Jerry's ice cream left in the freezer. This can backfire when he finds some and sends me a photo of the tub with a spoon next it. This sends me into a full blown panic attack at the prospect of a full day with no Ben & Jerry's.
Negotiations continue with me asking him to 'calmly step away from the Ben & Jerry's.' This request is met with hostility as the photos get more and more threatening. Sometimes the tub has already been started. Sometimes, it is half empty! This sends my anxiety levels through the roof. I can't stand to see it being hurt.
In order to bring the negotiations to an end it usually comes down to a battle of wills.
I offer him the vodka and tell him I will buy him 'whatever the hell he wants.'
This works every time. I win.
