Regular readers will know how I feel about Candy
Crush. I like it. A lot. It first came into my life around 4 years ago, when we
made Aliyah. This was not a coincidence. I was a tad overwhelmed at the time
and Candy Crush seemed to give me what I needed. (Respite from brain overload).
I try to keep my lengthy play sessions to myself but
sometimes people notice. There have been a few occasions when I was in the bathroom
a little toooo long at work. They thought I’d left for the day and I got locked
in the office. And I had an embarrassing situation with my CEO when he asked me
to stop whatsapping him with my Candy Crush progress.
I get a lot of interested questions. How does it
feel to be a super-dooper candy crusher? Where did you train? How do you keep up your stamina? How did you
learn those skills?
And then there are other less pleasant questions. Are
you some sort of brain dead numb skull? What the hell’s wrong with you? Where’s
my dinner? Which are most commonly asked by Tidy Husband.
But the main one I get is a confused ‘you seem vaguely
normal, why are you watching (virtual) coloured sweets get destroyed?
Well, I figured I owed normal people an explanation,
and Tidy Husband a reason why he doesn’t eat anymore.
Candy Crush is nice to me.
For those of you that don’t play, because you have a
life, let me explain.
1.
1.It notices when I’m gone
I could get locked in the basement for a week before
anyone would notice. (I once tried it). Not so with my beloved Candy Crush.
When I log into Candy Crush each hour day, it knows I’ve been away and welcomes
me with open arms. ‘Welcome back!, it sighs, ‘we’ve missed you!.’
‘I’ve only been gone five minutes’, I mumble, but
the point is, it noticed I was gone. And it tells me. In writing. I have proof.
Somewhere out there there’s a bot that loves me.
2.
It gives me permission to
relax
The real world doesn’t offer much opportunity for
relaxation. We are made to feel guilty for time off. We’re told we can’t lay on
the sofa for another hour as there are 3 kids that need feeding, and if we so
much as reach for the Ipad for another 10-hour Netflix session, we’re told we
are ‘lazy’.
Candy Crush opens with the words….Swipe.Match.Relax.
Swipe and Match are pretty meaningless but RELAX –
well I respond well to that.
3.
It gives me presents
My family aren’t great at presents. It requires
thinking and effort and none of us can be bothered. The last gift I got was a
present from my Mum. It was a T-shirt she’d bought in Primark in 2011 that
didn’t fit her.
Candy Crush has a free wheel spin every day to get a
Free Booster. It’s not real and I can’t actually touch it. But it’s a free
gift. Every day. You never know where the wheel will land incorporating the element
of surprise as well. Will it never end?
4.
It praises me
I think we can all agree that being a Mother doesn’t
involve much positive feedback. I can’t remember the last time I got a reward
for putting a load of washing on. No one ever tells me how good I am at making
chicken schnitzels. (Maybe ‘cos I never make them).
But in Candy Crush world, I am praised. It
recognises my achievements and tells me how good I’m doing.
‘You’re a star’, it coos, ‘you’re doing so well’.
‘We’ve never had a super-dooper candy crusher like you’.
‘Why, shucks’, I reply. ‘I’m blushing’ and Candy
Crush rewards me with a vivid virtual fireworks display lighting up my screen.
5.
I win races
Not a marathon or one of those easy-peasy Triathlon
things that Tidy Husband does. No, every week there is a race to see who can
progress through the most levels. Usually this is #IloveCandyCrushmorethanmykids31
or #CrushCandy4eva, but one week – It Was Me. I won a race. The first I have
won since the famous egg and spoon race in 1975 (and I have a feeling I glued
the egg to the spoon).
People worry. They scold me and tell me I’m
addicted. Pah! I laugh. Addicted?
It’s impossible to get addicted to sugared sweets. Isn’t
it?
