One month on with Puppy

 

Do you like being followed around constantly? Would you like to lose your precious personal space? Do you like having your face licked? Do you find yourself talking in a ridiculously high voice, but have no idea where it came from? Do you like watching your obsessively Tidy Husband lose the plot? 

If so. Get a puppy.

Puppies are sweet. They’re soft and fluffy. But so is a teddy bear.

Would you enjoy shouting at your kids who swore they ‘would walk the puppy every day’. 

‘We’ll look after her Mum. You can stay in position on your beige sofa. Netflix won’t even know you’re gone, and your Candy Crush score will in no way be affected.’

Lies. All lies.

Friends I haven’t spoken to in years are ahead of me on Candy Crush. They’re no better than me, but they have the time to play. I have a list of TV box sets that need binge watching. Sadly waiting. Netflix sends me emails asking where I am. Have I found someone else? Have I given my heart to Apple TV?

Gone are the days of swanning off into the sunset without a care in the world. I thought when my kids were out of nappies I was free forever. I could leave them home alone. (That is legal isn’t it?). But now, I have another baby that I cannot leave alone. The cries and howls are heart breaking. I haven't been to work for two weeks.

  She also poos and wees just like my babies did, but doesn’t have the courtesy to do it in a    nappy. 

I find myself walking. Yes walking. I haven’t walked since 1995. Not only am I walking, I'm being dragged by a tiny fluffy thing that wants to go faster than me and has no respect for a middle-aged, overweight, sweaty lady who can’t avoid tripping over her own two feet.

Whilst walking, I find myself swinging a bag. Not the latest Gucci handbag. No. A bag of dog poo. That I carry around until I can find someone else’s bin to hurriedly hide it in. Tidy Husband won't tolerate dog poo in our clean bins. 

One day Puppy escaped downstairs. Into the hallowed and sacred land of Tidy Husband. You go down there at your peril. Tidy Husband can smell if someone has entered his domain. I received a furious text with all kinds of profanities at the sight that greeted him when he realised he had been violated. Apparently, puppy had been allowed to cause a ******* riot. I even received a picture to illustrate the devastation she had caused...

To say I was shocked is an understatement. 

There are good things of course. Having a warm, soft, contented puppy on your lap whilst watching Netflix is a pleasure. Until you realise, the reason she was contented was because she was secretly chewing your slipper. 

Training her is fun. We took the liberty of getting a puppy trainer. Let’s call him Tamir. Because that’s his name. 

Tamir has spent more time in our house recently than Tidy Husband. His presence turns excitable, slipper-chewing puppy into hypnotized, relaxed tickle-able teddy bear. 

He’s also worked wonders with the kids. Parenting was never my strong point. I’ve always had stronger skills in Candy Crush. But Tamir tells us he doesn’t train the puppy. No, he trains the humans. 

He’s moving in next week.