It’s been 4 years since we made Aliyah. It feels like a lifetime but also 5 minutes. I can’t decide whether I’m settled, not settled, half settled or even what settled means. Some things have changed, others haven’t and some probably never will.
Speaking Hebrew
Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Me - speak Hebrew? No, the only thing that has happened is that I have forgotten how to speak. At all. In any language. My go-to language of choice remains English. All Israelis think they’re fluent English speakers because they’ve watched a whole series of Friends and can say, ‘how YOU doin’?’ in a ridiculous Hebrew/New York accent.
If I don’t find a fluent English speaker in the shop/bank/garage that I find myself in, I leave.
It can be an effort to go somewhere else, as there is always the risk I won’t find another parking spot. They usually take 3 hours to find, even though I am fortunate to have a disabled parking permit, and I often have to fight off a couple of old people to steal their disabled space.
So sometimes I decide to stick it out in the shop with a Hebrew Person and have a go with Hebrish. Sometimes a bit of French or Spanish creeps in if I’m not paying attention.
A typical daily conversation goes something like this…
Me: Shalom
Hebrew person (‘HP’): Shalom
Me: Erm…
Hebrew person: (looking at me with a half expectant, but mostly bored, expression)
Me: Erm…ken….hi….erm…..
HP: Ken ?? (looking a tad irritated now)
Me: Yes ....I mean ken…ani…er…ani… (hot and sweaty and beginning to panic)
HP: What you need? (said in angry tone of impatience)
Me: Er… ben sheli ……oh! ….. you speak English? (huge sigh of relief knowing I won’t need to beat up anymore old people to steal their parking space)
HP: Yes, your son…your son what? What?
Me: My son....he need this book (shakily hold up a blurred photo on my phone of the Hebrew school book my son asked me to get in 2016)
HP: We don’t have
Me: You don’t have?
HP: Ugh. I just say – we don’t have
Me: Oh yes, yes …..of course…silly me…. when will you have it back in stock?
HP: Who knows?
Me: Shall I take a guess?
HP: You come back again. Maybe I have it, maybe I don’t? Like I said, who knows? Maybe we all die tomorrow.
Me: Of course, mais oui. Makes perfect sense. Adios amigo.
No longer teenage daughter is in the Navy
One thing that does make you feel Israeli is having kids in the Army. Although having said that, it also makes you feel like you have ‘Immigrant’ tattooed on your forehead, as you grasp how much you will never ever know about your children’s lives.
No Longer Teenage Daughter (‘NLTD’) is serving in the Navy(sing along). She wears a gorgeous beige uniform and looks like a movie star. But that changes when she opens her mouth and everything (everything), is expressed in a loud aggressive tone of voice.
‘Would you like a cup of tea darling?’ I might say.
‘WHY? WHY WOULD I WANT A CUP OF TEA? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU????
You get the picture.
I was at home the other day and I accidentally overheard her on the phone (even though she was in Tel Aviv). She had been requested to do overnight guarding, but wires had got crossed along the line.
No Longer Teenage Daughter (‘NLTD’): Ken??!! (shouted aggressively)
Poor soldier on the other end of phone ('PSOOEOP'): mumblemumblemumble
NLTD: Lo lo lo lo lo !!!!!!!!!
PSOOEOP: (Slightly louder) mumblemumblemumble
NLTD: Lots of rapid-fire Hebrew shouted down the phone, lasting around 5 minutes non-stop, punctuated by ‘lo’! and ‘ze lo beseder’! plus quite a few expletives
PSOOEOP: (silence)
NLTD: Beseder?
PSOOEOP: (very quietly) mumblemumblemumble
NLTD: More machine-gun Hebrew and several more expletives
PSOOEP: (silence)
NLTD: OK?
PSOOEP: er……..ken………er……...bye
When I questioned the appropriateness of speaking to another soldier like that, she looked at me as though I was the mad one, (which I usually am), and said ‘but I was really nice to him.’
Son Number 2 is in the Army
Yup, I have two serving soldiers at present. Sending Son Number 2 off to the Army was a surreal experience. Seeing him in his Army uniform transported me back to when he was 3 and his chosen Purim outfit was an Israeli soldiers’ uniform. Long before our Aliyah days and never thinking he would ever wear it for real….
He chose to do Kravi (combat) which we were petrified delighted about. There are times when he doesn’t get back to base in time, his phone is off and the tracking device I use to spy on him, see where he is, isn’t working. But then I remember he belongs to the Army now and it’s up to them to discipline him and not me.
The best moments are when he walks through the door before Shabbat, tired, sweaty and hungry, goes straight up to his room and stays there for 48 hours straight. Even when he doesn’t say a word to us, we just loving knowing he’s there.
I’m a working Israeli woman
As you may recall, Husband wasn’t overly impressed with my encyclopedic knowledge of ALL the programmes on Netflix and ‘suggested’ I might want to get a job. I reluctantly gladly acquiesced and am now a fully-fledged Israeli woman working in Hi -Tec (sorry to brag).
My teenage work colleagues don’t know what to make of me. Not only am I treble their age, I am also double their size and speak only English. But some have embraced my unique advancement in years, constant need for chocolate, and attempt to talk to me.
Most of the conversation in the office is in Hebrew. I find this extremely selfish, seeing as I am the only one out of 75 people that can’t speak Hebrew. Obviously I refuse to bow down to this intimidating, and frankly, bullying behavior and will only reply in English.
Teenage work colleague (‘TWC’): So…live you here in Israel?
Me: Yes, I made Aliyah
TWC: Why you leave America?
Me: I didn’t leave America, I left the UK, I’m British
TWC: But you American woman, (I give up), why live you here in Israel? In other countries everyone have cars that work. They earn enough money to eat. Netflix more choice of programmes. Prime video latest releases. Buy Cadbury's chocolate in normal clean place, not smelly, disgusting supermarket. Ben & Jerry’s half price and can buy electrical goods without having to sell a limb. They have Amazon. Why you come to place where no Amazon? You crazy?
Me: Well….. you see…. the thing is..........
I’m a Zionist
(collapses on floor sobbing)
